Picking Daisies and Leaving Petals

singing vs. worshiping

2009-11-22T23:18:00.002-06:00

There is a big difference between performing songs for people and leading a worship song. The difference? Either I'm being judged, or I'm worshiping.

There is something freeing about just being able to present myself to God, and him being the only person that I have to remain accountable to; since he is the only one that matters anyway. I think thats why i can do that and not get nervous, because I am just being honest with him about how i feel and expressing my emotions. When it comes to singing in front of people, i feel judged. and that tends to be the case too; is she good? entertaining? funny? these are all ways that we critique whoever we hear sing... and that is what leaves me with the shakes and makes my voice weaker than when i am worshiping my God, able to pour my heart out on the floor and know that he's going to meet me there, instead of walking away if i sound bad or hit a wrong note.

there is so much freedom being before God. no wonder thats when i prefer to be...

2009-08-18T19:56:00.001-05:00

Where there is God's vision, there is provision

Drunk people take more risks than sober people

2009-07-21T20:24:00.001-05:00

Acts 4:31
While they were praying, the place where they were meeting trembled and shook. They were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak God's Word with fearless confidence.

Ephesians 5:18 (The Message)

^18-20Don't drink too much wine. That cheapens your life. Drink the Spirit of God, huge draughts of him. Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ.

2009-07-09T12:40:00.001-05:00

its like a labor spiritual transition. stay focused on the precious gift coming- beni johnson

blogging famine

2009-06-22T17:14:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you dont want to have to let the online community in on whats going on in your life, because you spend every free minute you have with that one friend just pouring out whats going on and processing through everything that has happened. Sometimes its the times when you're at home that you are recouping from all of that, and I think thats probably been the case for me the last few months, to say the least.

This last year has been a rough one for me, but if i could go back in time to stop me from going through it, I wouldnt dare. God has been pushing me out of my comfort zone, because he hates when we get comfortable :) and its definitely been stretching. There are some friendships that have just been lifegiving water for me, and others that drain me and some that are lost completely. But through it all, God has been front and center. I'd love to say that I've grown from this, because i really think I have. I'm not in the same place with priorities and the things that consume my mind; lines have been more defined and new boundries have been put in place.

This is really vague, and I would love to spill out the specifics, but I dont feel thats really important, actually. I have seen passion pour out, as well as tears. I have seen people and been fine and seen others and ran out of stores. Its been full of ups and downs, but that doesnt mean that there hasnt been healing through it all. Part of the sermon I heard yesterday was talking about how an apple tree is an apple tree even when its young and not producing apples yet, as is it when its winter and all the leaves and fruit are gone; claiming an identity for that apple tree other than an apple tree would be a lie. Your identity isnt in the fruit that is currently being shown, but in the fruit that will be shown at the right time and what God has called you to.

So, though I have a fairly new home church, fewer friends that I expected last year, going off to nursing school in the fall, I am still a worshiper (even though im not on a worship team) and a leader (who isnt leading at all) and a list of many other things. They will be brought out of me in time, and I'm waiting patiently for that.

2009-04-29T22:31:00.000-05:00

i would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
i would rather dwell with you
i would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than to dwell in the place of wickedness

how to save a life

2009-02-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness

this applies to more people than i'd expect

The difference between a merry-go-round and a rollercoaster

2009-02-02T16:02:00.003-06:00

As you get into the cart that is going to take you 200 feet in the air, you have to trust the cart that you will be sitting in. Is it going to hold your weight? Will you be able to get the belt tight enough that you wont fall out when it drops? Will the ride conductor know what they're doing? These are all very justified questions and concerns. Sometimes, it just feels like it would be easier to ride the merry-go-round. With that ride, you never get higher than 5 feet off the ground. You know exactly where you are going... around in a circle over and over again. Nothing new. Nothing spontaneous. But its safe. You leave that ride, thinking you were happy you could sit down for 5 minutes while moving in a circle. But what about the adrenalin of that rollercoaster? Having that nervous anxiety in your stomache, but in the back of your head, knowing that everything is going to turn out alright. Thats what I live for. The adrenalin rush. It makes me nervous, even nauseous, but once its over, I feel very satisfied

2009-01-28T21:18:00.002-06:00

long time no chat

well, lets see whats been going on in my life. well, there is the whole me being 21 thing. i'm sure that would be more eventful if i actually drank much, but whatever. another notch on the belt, i guess.

what else is going on. left my old church a couple months ago. that has been enough of a rollercoaster, i'd rather not coast on it for a blog entry. if you're curious though, please feel free and ask.

the nursing drama is always going on. applied to 9 schools as of today, and will have another 2-3 done by april. what are the odds that i wont get into 13 schools? i'm hoping that i dont get my butt kicked, but if i do, God will provide.

went to Onething conference in Kansas City, MO over new years. the worship was amazing. i wanted to bring the prayer room home with me in my back pocket. but i think the main thing that i took away from it is the fact that the word is so important in everyday life, and living a prophetic lifestyle. its the link between us as humans and the holy spirit that lives within us. its one of the main ways that the holy spirit gets to talk... and i wanna listen. the new calling on my life isnt complex; its not cutting off a foot or selling all my free time. it is a change of heart, a change of soul and mind. its the pursuit of a lover... and thats all i'm going after; the heart of God.

homoside? suicide?

2008-12-10T21:50:00.003-06:00

did they just die off naturally, or were they smothered? suffocated? even murdered?

sad to say is that this isnt referring to people, but to friendships. were they meant to end? was that what would have naturally happened? did someone not feed the flame anymore so it just faded? did someone put a blanket over it to kill any flame that was left?

or was it killed because that was the easiest way to move on...

filtering sifting and removal

2008-12-01T09:18:00.001-06:00

so, thats my life right now. im filtering through my feelings, sifting through people and removing things from both that are detrimental to me. there is no need for me to have painful things in my life. that is not what God wants for me. this doesnt mean that i am expecting everything to be "fine and dandy" for the rest of my life, because there are going to be trials and there are going to be hard times, but if there are certain people in my life, certain things that im doing that i can eliminate to eliminate pain, so be it.

im done pretending to be nice. im done putting on a happy face. im done.

deja vu? prophetic visions? difference?

2008-11-14T14:56:00.001-06:00

is there a link between the prophetic and deja vu?

i have been wondering about this alot recently, since i am experiencing deja vu alot more, and wanted to know if anyone knows about a link between the two...

yet will i sing

2008-11-09T20:03:00.001-06:00

let this be the only love song i write
will you be the only love in my life
i asked you to draw me
i said i would run
so though i walk through the valley
yet will i trust
i asked you to call me
i said i would come
so though i go up the mountain
yet will i run
and though my song be taken from me
yet will i sing, yet will i praise you
though the joy be taken from me
yet will i laugh, yet will i shout unto you
though the light be hidden from me
yet will i walk, yet will i run after you
though my heart be slain within me
yet will i trust, yet will i follow you
cause i know whatever you do, you do through the eyes of mercy
oh, and nothing can be added to it, and nothing can be taken away
there is a time for every purpose under the heavens
so though my weeping lasts for the night, i'll have your joy, it comes with the light
though my song be taken from me,
yet will i sing, yet will i praise you
though my heart be slain within me
yet will i trust, yet will i follow after you

vote for Cat! .... or more like vote for God because He would be the winner, not me

2008-10-08T11:23:00.003-05:00

i think the way to fix the healthcare system is extra prayer. if we're healing everyone, there would be no need for health care and $5000 toward health insurance. thats my suggestion... i think i should run for president

God's Facebook Friend?

2008-10-06T16:38:00.002-05:00

If you were friends with God on facebook... would you really be his friend? or would you just have him on there to make your numbers one digit higher? to have him in your networking group, so that if some random opportunity came along, you'd be able to say that you know him... even if you really dont know him any more than the person that makes your coffee every morning?

I've been thinking about this idea of really knowing God; knowing his quirks and him knowing mine, knowing the way that he thinks and just who he is. Thats the kind of relationship I want. I want something that I've put effort into and are able to see the benefits of.

"Knowing the correct password—saying 'Master, Master,' for instance— isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'" Matthew 7:21-23 (The Message)

You can look at God and say that you know him, that you recognize him. If God looked at you, would he know you? Would he claim to know the innerworking of who you are and what values you stand for? Would he be able to tell someone a random fact about you? Is your relationship that close? Or do you mearly walk by each other, never catching the other's eye...?

working on the "i wants"

2008-09-23T19:02:00.003-05:00

i want to be notorious
i want to be unforgettable
i want to be impactful
i want to be influential
i want to be a blessing
i want to be a presence
i want to be dangerous
i want to be spontaneous
i want to be compassionate and loving
i want to be breathtaking
i want to be honoring
i want to be respected
i want to be trusted
i want to be contagious
i want to be courageous
i want to be effective
i want to be wise
i want to be honest
i want to be sincere
i want to be intentional
i want to be revolutionary
i want to be someone who stands out

2008-09-16T17:18:00.001-05:00

life has been full of ups and downs recently, but im realizing that part of the reason that i haven't committed/be allowed to commit to anything is because God has LOADS of change coming for me; change in location, change in understanding, change in relationships. lots of change

hopefully i will keep up with all of it, but i feel like im going to be flying, which is actually really exciting. we will just have to see where this change takes me. good bye old things of familiarity and comfort. hello new things of unknown, excitement and nervousness. i've been waiting for this day for a while

a one liner from me turned into a monologue from God

2008-08-21T17:23:00.002-05:00

I value honesty over everything else. Honesty tells me the thoughts of your heart and your mind, because you share your thoughts and your emotions; treasured information. It shows how you really feel; inhibited passion, joy and sadness. It's the place you go when no one else is around. It's who you are when you're alone and you think no one is watching. It's that person that I want to see, and its that person that I love. You were make to shine your light without putting any filters over that light, so go shine girl!

my parts in bold...

Lets see what comes out here

2008-08-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

Alright, so I have been thinking about my trip to Bethel and all that it has done in my life, and its been really nice to see that the trip didnt happen in vain. Taking part in Engram this year, I realized that the things I learned were a part of me, and that I was able to bring those things out of other people. I saw myself walking in part of my calling for the first time during Engram, and that was AMAZING! There is such a spirit of being able to bring people into God's presence that I learned in Bethel; taking them by the hand and guiding them to the place where they can be surrounded by glory. I was able to experiment with that whole process while at Bethel, and was able to actually do it during Engram.

I think the main thing that I came back from Bethel with was the knowledge that there is so much more God, and more to learn and experience that you should never be satisfied with what you've encountered already; thanking Him for his presence and all of that is a must, but always going after more. We are called to go from glory to glory, realm to realm, not to just stay in one place because thats all we see. There is always more, and he wants to show us more. So what does that look like? What does that pursuit look like? It looks like being open to what the Holy Spirit is doing. Its going with what God wants to do, because thats the way that He's going to show more of who he is to us. Its searching Him in our quite times, because thats the heart he's looking for. Its like a Misty Edwards song I know:
"You've gotta go down if you wanna go up. You gotta go lower, if you wanna go higher and higher. You gotta hide, do it in secret if you wanna be seen by God."
He doesnt want it to be a show for other people, he wants it to be personal, and thats what I'm learning; this is MY relationship with God, not the churches, not my friends or my families. It's mine.

Another thing that I learned is the power of words; that nothing happens without a declaration. Its all through the Bible, God speaking and things happening. People declaring things over themselves and it coming to pass. There is so much power in the words we use, which is probably where the authority I have through prayer and singing comes from. I've realized that what I say has the impact on the nations, not just on the people in front of me, and that what I pray actually does make an impact. Thats something thats really big. Declaring negative things over yourself has just as much of an impact as the positive does. Declare that you are amazing. Declare that you were created to rock, because YOU WERE! There is no failing with God. Learning to declare that over your life and the people that you love is not only going to make an impact on their self esteem, but its going to work on the places in their hearts that are hurting. Its going to change atmospheres, and its going to make the Devil shutter in nervousness.

Theres more... but im drawing a blank. I would love to have individual conversations with people, because I realize that actually talking about it is completely different than blogging about it, but hopefully this is a little more insight into whats going on in my life and whats changing.

2008-07-22T23:32:00.001-05:00

i feel like I am finally figuring out who Jesus is. Not who he is supposed to be or who we've been told he is, but who HE is through experience. its nice

Reflection on a month-long refreshing

2008-07-12T18:42:00.005-05:00

This trip has been all over the place for me. Issues have been dealt with, dreams have been revamped, boundaries have been pushed, ideas have been planted and friendships have been made.

I think the thing that I'm most going to walk away with is the feeling of me being stifled in who I am and working on de-stifling myself. Mom, if thats not a word, it is now!! :D

I gained so much freedom during worship while I was here. While it was almost impossible to get me to sing out during a normal service, I found myself doing it every song!! Its refreshing to know that people arent going to stop me because they are anxious to get on to the next thing or are nervous because there is silence and need to find something to fill that space. Silence can be one of the most beautiful things during worship, because thats when the Holy Spirit can minister to your heart at whatever level YOU are at.. not where the worship leader is or the person praying over you or anything like that.

I feel a huge empowering of my ability and what we're all called to do for/in the body of Christ. We have the authority to make water part, raise people from the dead, heal the sick. People just dont use it. There was a major impartation last night that the whole Bethel Church stretched out their hands for all 172 class members and I could literally feel my hands tingling and sort of burn in response to it. I can't wait to see whats going to unfold from that!

But I'm nervous to come home. I'd be lying if I said I wasnt. I dont want to have the walls that I spent so much time to take down just be put back up again. I dont want to worry if I'm being a distraction to people.. and I want the Holy Spirit to have freedom to do what he DARN WELL PLEASES during worship. Thats the freedom that I have had this last month. What's going to happen to my spark once I come into an environment that says that they are ok with that stuff, when in reality it seems like its an unspoken taboo?

I have changed. you cant go back to who you were once you've really changed, because YOU'RE CHANGED! This change is going to stay. I hope the church can handle that.

someone in my school wrote this song and its totally blessed me, so i decided to share the lyrics with you guys

2008-07-10T23:13:00.001-05:00

If I could see the way you see me
Would i know that with one word from my mouth
The mountain would fall to the sea
If I could see the way you see me
Would I see a heart ablaze with a fire waiting to spread

If I could see the way you see me
Standing tall in a field of giants
One by one they would fall to their knees
If I could see the way you see me
The dark of the night would be scattered by light
With the power that came from my mouth

How can I see, take away the shadows
Pull up the blinds, I want to see...

The way you see me, running with the angels
My words roaring in the wind like thunder
I was born for this, completely unshakable
Forever immovable, my limits are gone when I see
The way you see me

The deaf will hear the songs of the heavens
The blind will see your glory in the sky

2008-07-08T21:14:00.002-05:00

you outer environment is a reflection of your inner environment. if you have peace in you, peace will exude you. thats how you change environments just by walking into the room. its the Spirit leaving you, trying to find if there is fertile soil for it to land on and if there isnt, it will return to you. Its like the story of Noah, when he sent out the dove to find dry land and it returned and so he took the dove back into him (the dove being the Holy Spirit, not a bird).

do you want to be able to walk into a room full of chaos and just your presence calms it down? i know i sure do

I'm going to be changed, but I need your help

2008-07-04T01:54:00.002-05:00

So guys, here's the decision that I've chosen to make. I've chosen to finally act like myself. If I keep putting myself in a box and holding myself back because I dont want to be overwhelming, overbearing, or too much for people, I am holding back what God wants to do with me and through me. I dont want to do that anymore. Thats selfish on my behalf because I am not able to be used by God to my full extent; I am not able to share as much as I've been given. I dont want that to be the case anymore. I am made the way I am, and God loves it. I'm going to live like I was made to rock, because I was!!

Here's where I need your help. I am going to live my life without holding back. I need you guys to keep me in check. If there are times that I am out of line or anything along those lines, I am trusting that the people who care about me are going to keep me accountable. That is what this call is for, accountability.

I am going to live without holding back. I just need people who will tell me when there is a mess to clean up, because if I just focus on possible messes, I am not going to be able to enjoy the glory of God fully.

Can you all do that for me? (yes, i would like affirmation in some form that there are people willing to do that. feel free and send me an email, because I would probably like some follow up.) cats.valentine@gmail.com

Thanks in advance.

my notes for the day

2008-07-01T23:55:00.002-05:00

-ministry isnt something that you turn on and off. its a lifestyle

-everything is in the context of worship and generosity.

-thanksgiving is our response to the work of God

-as worship leaders, we start where we are, not where the people are at. We need to start where the people are at and take them on a journey with us.

-the biggest enemy of worship is self-consciousness.

-a passion for God has to be measurable by your passion for people

-sacrifice is a step beyond convenience

-the kindness of God leads to repentance

-if faith is not a part of the worship, its worthless

-when you pray for God's presence, do you believe that he's going to show up? OF COURSE HE IS!! we should be praying to know HOW he's going to show, not IF he's going to.

-alot of people devoted to pursing God dont know how to deal with the one pursuing them.

-faith doesnt come from the mind, but mind can interfere with faith.

dreams revived

2008-06-29T04:26:00.004-05:00

I am completely blown away. Tonight was quite a night. For the last two nights, we have had this incredible ministry time at my apartment and God has really shown up and ministered to all of our hearts. Tonight was interesting as to what God wanted to deal with for me.

Things surfaced that I didnt know had impacted me as much as they really had; things that impacted me when they were said for a moment and then I got over it. This caused a loss of a dream that God had placed in me... and that spirit within me was renewed.

Someone saw the colors pink and orange all over me. They said that pink represents healing and that orange represents revival. That, in itself, would have been a great word, but they decided to go into more detail that God wanted to heal a deep wound in my heart. She then proceeded to ask me about something... that I had never told anyone! It was absolutely amazing the words of truth that she spoke into my life.

Then there were people talking about the truth and authority that is in my voice; how the tone in my voice just stands out and speaks to people.

Then there were song lyrics that someone said to me.. which I will put here later when I am given them.

And I was told to soak to You Alone by Leonard Jones.

Yea.... i think thats it.

long day

2008-06-28T05:19:00.003-05:00

God is working on stuff, and I'm glad. Finally gaining some freedom. I feel like I can breathe a little better...

mental overload

2008-06-27T01:20:00.002-05:00

I have heard so many things recently, and its hard to keep it straight what day I learned it on.

I guess this is what I am going to say for today. Creation worships God just like we do. If you actually record ice burgs and trees and rocks and all that, they actually sing. Why is it that we cant hear them sing audibly? Because creation is waiting for us to be normal; for us to realize who we are so that all of creation can rejoice in the Lord together.

Can we catch up to Creation, please? K, thanks

lamentations, waist deep and angels

2008-06-24T23:08:00.003-05:00

Hi guys!!

So, most recent update. Brian Doerksen came and led worship for us today (he wrote "Come, now is the time to worship" and "refiners fire"). We ended up just singing all these different Psalms today, and that was great, but all of a sudden during the set, there was a song of lamentation. It seemed really weird to be happening during the set, and that was actually part of his talk with us after worship.

His focus was being real and honest during worship because people can tell when you are being phony. This ties in to singing a song of lamentation because not everyone is in the mood to do a happy-clappy song. Sometimes, people think that God sucks because of the situation that is going on in their life and they need to express that frustration to God. And... it of course brought me back to Oak Park mentally. My thought process for this was that we have had a major loss, but is there any lamenting going on? or are we just pretending that things are ok because thats the way to deal with it; as if singing songs of joy and that "everything is going to be alright because i am trusting God" is enough to get through the pain and sadness that has come with this loss?

But thats just food for thought there.

The main thing that I have been thinking about recently is a sermon that I heard on sunday. It wasnt part of their usual service, it was a special one that they have on sunday nights. A guy named Jason Westerfield came in and spoke and boy, did he start a fire in me. He was talking to us all about the different levels of experiencing God and what comes along with that; the good, the bad and the ugly. There was a point where he was explaining being completely submerged in the spirit (not just ankle or waist deep) and at that point you can hear peoples thoughts. This was then related to Jesus and how he was able to do all this... and I wish that it was just hearing that that got me going. No, it was my thinking about something that Isabel had prophesied over me, saying that I was going to be able to pierce into people's hearts like Jesus did, and i just was blown away. I've been told that all this time has been spent to prepare me for who I really am; who I am becoming. The idea of it being this close and actually within arms reach is amazing to me. And then I had supernatural eyesight imparted on me... so hopefully I will see and angel and the spirit of God before I come home.

visiting my garden

2008-06-24T02:05:00.001-05:00

so guys, today i got to visit my garden in heaven with jesus. it was absolutely beautiful. he was showing me around and all of a sudden tells me that he wants to show me something. obviously, i am all for it. he then takes me to two cabins, the first one was filled with gold and jewels and he said to me "see the provisions that i have for you. dont be worried, know that i have it all here." then he took me to the second cabin, and inside this one were all these boxes. he told me that these boxes were containing my different spiritual gifts, showing them to me slowly, and told me that they are going to be used at different times in my life; that the boxes will be open at different times.

yeah... it was a good day

snow when its 87 degrees outside?

2008-06-22T01:27:00.002-05:00

Today has been filled with ups and downs.

Let me give you a general rundown of what we did. We (my two roommates and 3 other people) went to visit Mt. Shasta, which is the only mountain in Redding that has snow all year round... so i was playing in the snow in shorts and with sun glasses on my head. My body was thoroughly confused. We also went to see a cavern tour, but that was canceled due to the lightening that hit right around where we were, causing an electrical fire. That was the loudest thunder I had ever heard in my life. Quite frightening, but I got over it.

That was fine and dandy. Except, not really. It was fun, no doubt, but I realized that I was keeping to myself, finding that in conversations that I would only say something if I felt it was really necessary to say, which tended not to be the case. I had been doing that quite a bit recently, to the point that one of my roommates discerned it out of me. I told her that I wanted to go to the 24 hr. prayer house that Bethel has to have some alone time with God and she starting talking to me about how she could sense that I was removing myself because of the clash of personalities. It wasnt that they didnt get along together, but I had explained to her earlier that when there are too many people trying to be the center of attention, I will give up and go into my own shell. She then told me that she could sense that I wasnt saying things because I knew that I wouldnt be able to get much of a say in the conversation, so I was waiting for something really profound to add to the conversation so that I would be remembered, especially since that would probably be the only thing that I would get to say in the convo... and of course the tears of unrealized truth came down.

My God time was good. This place was absolutely beautiful. And I got the have a Q&A session with God, which is always helpful but always stretches me. Now, I have to apply what he told me in life and the rest of this trip. Easier said then done. :o/

Creation through sound waves (THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE!)

2008-06-20T18:22:00.003-05:00

You guys are just going to get my notes from today.. because I cant manage to put it all together in a complete thought. I hope it sorta makes sense... and i will probably change and expand on this a little later.
*******
So, the main teaching today was about creation and how everything is a musical expression and has a sound.

Did you know colors are frequencies 22 octaves higher than our audible range?

Every thing that is done is a sound vibration of some sort, and thats how you can praise God bigger than the church. Thats the goal. If you were to just praise God as big as the church or as large as the congregation in front of you, you would be limiting God's ability to touch people. The goal is to reach people outside of the church as well as in the church.

When dancers are dancing, they are sending their vibrations out to people who are sensitive to hear the sound of the Lord through the vibrations. Thats why when you watch someone dance, if can move your spirit because its through what you see, but its... yeah... Its like when you are in the back of a room and all of a sudden something in your spirit clicks and you realize that someone is dancing? They are send out vibrations through there worship and affecting other peoples lives.

All things were created by God and for God. There were all originally created for his pleasure, and they are still for his pleasure. The sky wasnt just nice for him when he first created it. It still is! He still enjoys it.

"crystals, plants, and human beings are just music that has taken on physical form"

You dont just write songs, you are a song. Some people believe that your DNA (which can actually be played as a song if you break it down into the nucleotides) song is the song that God sang over you when he created you.

Daily words of wisdom

2008-06-19T19:32:00.003-05:00

Every day of this school, I feel like I need another week to process everything thats been fed to me. Just one-liners could take a lifetime to understand, and I am given one-liners for nearly 3 hours of my day. Here's the one I will share for today:

When you're right with God, you think like God.

If you are in the presence of God, you can trust your thoughts to be true because you have God's brain.

1 Corinthians 2:6-16
We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him" (this is in the old test. btw... meaning that Paul is saying "you guys couldnt, but I can!")— but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:
"For who has known the mind of the Lord
that he may instruct him? (old test. again)" But we have the mind of Christ.

Did you get that? When Jesus died, we received a new body, which included a new mind. What Paul is saying here is that when we got this new body, we were able to do things that others from the bible couldn't do before, like see things in heaven and hear things from heaven. We dont have to wait to do that right now. You can go and grab things from heaven and bring them down to earth instead of waiting for things to fall from heaven once you do things right on earth. sorry.. that was a complete tangent, although that ones true too.

You have the mind of Christ inside of you, so when you are right with God, you can think like God. Indecisive about something? how's you relationship with God? is it good? what are you thinking now? Well, thats what God wants because its what he's thinking too!

i will probably end up rereading this and having to re-explain a million things, but its a good start. some simple mind food for you all at home...

A new day

2008-06-18T09:51:00.003-05:00

Today's my first day, and I can honestly say that I'm pumped! I have 3 roommates, who seem really cool, so I can sort of let my guard down on that "anti-social" part of me, and can just enjoy the experience. I can't wait to see whats going to happen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow. All I can say is wow. The wisdom, the new information, all of that. It was just amazing. What did I walk away with? I'm glad you asked!!

Everytime you feel bad about yourself, you're insulting God. Think about it. God created you in his image. If you say that you're stupid, you are calling God stupid. What sort of sense does that make? Why in the world would you want to insult the person that created you, designed you? Anything that is said to you that is a compliment you should take it and keep it! DONT THROW IT AWAY BECAUSE YOU DONT BELIEVE IT! If you don't believe that compliment, then what you are doing is insulting God, saying that he couldn't have created you that way. Come on people! Let's give our Creator the praise he's due!

"Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, its thinking yourself less." -Kris Vollotton

I wish I were from Valentine, Nebraska

2008-06-17T11:36:00.002-05:00

Something that I always notice when I fly is the interesting names that cities have. Did anyone else know that there was a Valentine, Nebraska???

I'm a third of the way to my destination at this point, and am tired and nervous and excited and don't know quite how to feel. I can already picture myself leaving and being sad to return to Oak Park, but you'd think that would make me more excited to be going to the destination that I see myself dreading to leave. I think the part that is going to be the hardest for me on this trip would be that all this growing thats going to happen, because lets face it, when you go to a conference or anything where you are immersed with God's presence for more than an hour and a half, you are supposed to leave with some change, some new knowledge, something more. That something more comes from stretching, and for the most part I am fine with stretching, although I do my share of kicking and screaming. I guess the real stretching for me is going to be stretched without anyone I know doing the stretching. There was always at least one person to fall back on, to associate myself with, to decompress and work through whats going on. I don't have that. I have God, which should be comforting, but at times doesn't help the initial nerves and anxiousness.

I've realized that I cannot go into this experience/adventure with a plan.
1. because my plans never work out. its usually 180 degrees in the opposite direction
2. i don't think i am meant to have a plan. yes, God has a plan about what is going to happen with me and my emotions and all that good mushy stuff, but I'm not supposed to worry about it. It's taken care of; everything within my control-freak self wants to fight that, but i think im letting that go.

I finally got in contact with the woman I am staying with these next few weeks, which was very comforting for me. I guess seeing that final email this morning was the little assurance that I needed to know that even if the experience crashes and burns (which i completely doubt will happen, by the way) that I've done all that I can do to have it go semi-smoothly.

This is going to be quite the adventure for me. I'm not in denial about that fact, and am calling it an adventure to keep my brain in check.

Everything I know about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ begins and ends with surrender — with saying yes to God. That tiny, simple word initiates an exhilarating, life-altering adventure that will take you places you never thought you’d go — both literally and figuratively.
- Kay Warren, Dangerous Surrender

Let's see how close to that we can get, shall we?

hypocracy and growing

2008-06-02T00:32:00.003-05:00

So, i've recently been telling one of my friends to live and think outside of the box, because of the limits that he puts on himself. Its frustrating to see all the things that God has put into him, and him not taking advantage of them. Trust God. I dont care if your are tripping and stumbling, but as long as you're growing, thats all I want.

And then i think about this blessing i have and this urge to push him, and i realize that i am the biggest hypocrite in the entire world. stretching is good. stretching never ends. none of us welcome it though because it hurts. it makes you deal with stuff. we no longer get to live on the fluffy cloud that we landed on a while ago but we have to jump again and hope the next cloud is big enough to hold us.

i've been stretched recently. its been hard, i have to admit. I've never felt as nervous as I did today before leading worship for kids church. I didnt feel prepared, capable, developed enough to do it. people around me were supportive, but I didnt feel ready, and in the long run, I have to convince myself to do it; no one else can make that decision for me. But i did it. because I want to grow. Was it a terrible experience? no. Was it something I was proud of? no. I'm looking at it as taking a step. sometimes, its not that everything you do is going to move mountains; sometimes its just a step in the right direction, even if its not a drastic one. saying yes to something uncomfortable is growing. trusting in the impossible is growing. i guess im growing.

erasers

2008-05-21T22:45:00.004-05:00

"And that's what I think love is; when your hindsight is twenty-twenty and you still wouldn't change a thing."

I read this quote and thought it was absolutely wonderful, know that there are good parts and bad parts to any relationship, but looking back on it and still not wanting to change anything? that would be great!

but then I got to thinking about God and his view on love. Yes, i know that God loves me no matter what, but that doesnt make me think about the things in my past and how i wish i hadnt done some of them; does God wish that i hadn't done some of them? Yes, he knew that they were going to happen, but if he could, would he take an eraser to parts of my life and write in a new plot twist than the one I chose for myself?

I dont know. just random thoughts i guess

im stretched, tried, and have yet to fail

2008-05-14T21:46:00.002-05:00

I have been stretched recently.

I have trust issues, im not one to hide that. Im realizing that they are bigger than I thought they were, and I am currently working on that.

I'm having a hard time

I'm trying to believe in the unbelievable

I'm trying...

and as of right now, I'm not failing

its not easy being green

2008-05-03T15:24:00.001-05:00

life doesnt get easier
it gets more complicated, more complex
the decisions you make matter more
the choice you make affect your future more

it doesnt get easier

Everlasting God in a time of questioning

2008-04-28T12:49:00.003-05:00

So, my day has been a mess. I dont know what im doing over the summer. I dont know what I'm doing for school next semester. I dont know how I'm going to get through this next two weeks. My phrase being "i dont know."

And I asked God. And this song popped into my head. I'm sure anyone who goes to the Vineyard is tired of it, but here are the lyrics anyway...

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

i think God gave me this song to comfort me, and in a way it does... but im just gunna need to spend more time with him talking it out, i guess

Kari Jobe Quote

2008-04-27T15:35:00.001-05:00

“When I hear the word worship, I get flashbacks of my whole life. Worship to me is more than just songs and music, worship is a lifestyle. The original meaning of the word ‘worship’ is ‘a condition of being worthy, honored, or renown.’ Who is more worthy than God? He is a King, Friend, Lover, Servant, Keeper of hearts and Savior of souls. To me there will never be enough thanks, never enough words nor thoughts high or deep enough to adequately convey His worth. I don’t know how to give back to the Lord what He deserves other than to just offer Him my life and every part of me. To give Him my all, that’s my ultimate desire.”
-Kari Jobe

2 Timothy 1:6-7

2008-04-20T23:35:00.001-05:00

For this reason I remind you
to fan into flame the gift of God,
which is in you through
the laying on of hands.
For God did not give us
a spirit of timidity,
but a spirit of power,
of love
and of self-discipline.

rain, rain, come again... everyday

2008-04-17T22:15:00.004-05:00

When the rain falls, it leaves the
ground moist and sometimes really
sloppy because of all the water.

But even when it doesn't rain,
there is dew found on the grass
and the leaves.

I'm ready to leave this phase in life
that is just a dew left over from being in the presence of God,
and move into the sloppy drenching of his Spirit.

Let's play in the puddles, shall we?

Turn the Burner Up

2008-04-17T14:18:00.003-05:00

I feel like God has lit a fire under my butt. Now, let me explain. Last week, I wanted to change the topic for my small group to what God had put on my heart, but God put the one I did do last week there too, so I continued on. This week, I'm talking about not being luke warm, and what that means for us.

And to this, i feel like God is no longer letting me be luke warm, but has lit a fire under my butt to make me hot. Make sense now? There has been a good change, a stretching change.. and I cant wait to see what happens now.

Let it Rain

2008-04-14T21:51:00.003-05:00

So, I have always loved Michael W. Smiths version of "Let it Rain." This is nothing more powerful than just asking for heaven to pour down on earth and move on his people. Theres nothing better. And thus, I searched for a video on YouTube.

I've realized that that is what I've have been seeing, what i have been praying for, and what i have been interceding over meetings. Not that I would feel God, not that I would see physical manifestations of him, but that he would rain down. That His power would come and affect people. I've been having visions recently, and I must admit that they are cool. They have been of heaven, not complete heaven, but sort of at the break in the clouds, where I can see the angels sort of peaking over to watch and join whats going on. And than closing my eyes during worship, I sort of see with my ears; definitely a new experience for me. Its as if i here the angels singing with, and am then taken to a place where I can see what that looks like. Its amazing, powerful, beautiful, magnificent, and many other things. Its definitely a sight to see.

Bubbles from Heaven

2008-04-13T15:12:00.004-05:00

This weekend has been quite interesting. I have been stretched, blessed, tired, encouraged, and restless all at the same time.

Stretched in that I had to learn how to turn Christian jargon into something that a 7 year old could understand when it came down to what God wanted to tell them. Blessed in the fact that looking at 50 young children worship God with the most ridiculous dance moves (perfect for me and them, of course), listening to what they heard God say to them, as well as just their openness to God's heart has been wonderful. Tired because its takes alot out of you keeping up that energy level that kids have naturally. Encouraged because not only was I able to help lead worship for the event, but also helped with the workshops that stretched me as well, but it was encouraging to know that the passion I have for children and how much I want to see them grow in God's love and just the knowledge of that; i guess it was just the stirring in me that kids CAN do what adults to, and are sometimes more open to it being reaffirmed through what i saw this weekend. And lastly restless. I was restless is a different way that the kids were. They were wiggle worms, while I was dealing with the internal struggle of how can i best help them, and make this able for them to understand and believe that it is possible. Its at this age, before the world totally ruins their views of how it works and them becoming cynical, that they are able to establish who they are in their own eyes and in God's eyes as well. It is such a critical time, and I just wanted to help them along in any way I could...

The Vision from Red Moon Rising

2008-04-09T23:30:00.001-05:00

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers

choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

icing on the cake

2008-04-08T23:20:00.002-05:00

that was my phrase for the day.. you know why? because everything was icing on the cake.

my friends have been sick, and one of them giving up bothered me so am going to use my strength in this situation to fight; icing on the cake.

someone told me about possibly leaving my small group, but i sort of knew it was coming; icing on the cake

another friend asked me how to reassure them that God will forgive them after cutting; icing on the cake

realizing someone i thought was a friend isnt, and that left me feeling used; icing on the cake

none of this icing is good, but its not like its the batter. these are things that have added on to the stuff that has already accumulated.

eugh

but through it all, God is faithful and strong.

a complete blessing

2008-04-06T21:27:00.002-05:00

Wow. That is all I can say. WoW!

Alright, so tonight I helped lead worship with the Youth Band and God answered my prayer for the night. My prayer is that I would be stretched, and that God would show himself to me in another light than what I'm used to; that I wouldn't put worship in this little box that I felt was the only way for me to worship. So... the night went on. My voice gave out.. but thats all good.

We were singing "Exalt the Lord" and I felt the need to look up the word exalt, because I want to know what I'm singing and I didn't know the exact meaning of it. The word exalt means to to raise in rank, honor, power, character, quality, etc; to praise, extol; to elate, as with pride or joy. Who knew that we were supposed to feel that way about God? That we were supposed to raise him up like that? As I was reading out the definition of exalt, I made the connection to how during a soccer game or football game that the MVP is raised up on the shoulders of the players and gets cheered for because of the great game he played, because he was the MOST valuable player. Thats how we are supposed to treat God. He has done so many wonderful things for us, and instead of treating him as the MVP we treat him as someone who sat the game out on the bench. That is not how he should be treated. So I had them sing the song again as if they were giving credit to the MVP after a game; the correct amount of recognition that he is due, and it was wonderful.... The connection was there, the power was there, and I feel like God was finally recognized the right way for once.

The set ended after many more words, songs, and prayers and than a friend of mine came up to me and truly blessed me. He told me that it was a blessing to sing with me, that just through my singing the presence of God comes, and that he can feel the presence even if im not connecting with the song; that just my singing brings God into wherever we are at the time. He than said that I walk around with God's presence around me all the time; that as he was walking up to me to tell me this, he could sense God around me. Also, that there was an angel that follows me around and when I sing he sings with me and is just always there with me, guarding me. And this led to him saying that it was as if there was a spot light on me, that was the path of God's gaze, that it was singled out on me, and that he was full of joy and saying "thats my Cat! Look at her go!" It was everything that I could do to not cry because that was something I had been worried about and dealing with by myself (refer to the last post). I didn't want my singing to glorify me. I wanted it to glorify the person who made me and blessed me with it. I think that finally came across tonight, and it led me to tears knowing that someone else felt that too.

authentic, concrete, essential, factual, heartfelt, honest, legitimate, sincere, substantive, frank, earnest. The connection? HONESTY

2008-04-04T18:21:00.008-05:00

It's taken a while, but I am finally becoming the person that I was meant to be; the real Cat, if I may be so bold. It's not that I haven't been myself all these times... well, actually, I don't believe that I have been myself at all. I think the person I really am is too intense for most people. The person that I really am is passionate about all things, whether that passion be negative or positive. Some people say that I am intense. YES! I AM!! and thats a good thing, at least in my book. Mediocre people are boring. They blend it. I am a creation of the living God. I BETTER STAND OUT!!

There is another thing about me that most people don't understand. I hate getting complimented on my singing voice. It has nothing to do with the quality of my voice, because I know I have a nice voice (and that wasn't meant to sound cocky at all), but it has to do where the attention for that voice is going. I've realized recently that the reason why I've hated being told that was because God wasn't getting the recognition for my voice, I was. And thats not why I sing. I sing to bring people closer to him, I sing to connect with him more, and I sing just to show off God's creativity. I don't want any credit for my voice, because I don't sing for it to be a way for me to feel better, its all for him.

I've recently been thinking about how we are supposed to bring Heaven to Earth, not people to Heaven. I mean, we're supposed to do that too, but Heaven is supposed to be here. Jesus is here, now! Its not like we have to wait 2000 more years for this to happen. He's here! The Spirit is here, and we're acting like its totally out of our reach, thats its not going to happen while we're here. I've been thinking about that, and how the Heaven's open up when we worship and am finding myself with the image of the ceiling of the church opening and the clouds opening and the praises just rising and have a straight passage to Heaven. Its as if God is having all of the worship in Heaven stop so he is able to delight in the praise that He is being given by his people on Earth... its a beautiful image for me.

Read Isaiah 42... its amazing. If you're really inspired.. listen to Misty Edward's song "People Get Ready." Very powerful.

btw... Misty Edwards is amazing. Just thought I would put a plug in for her... :)

I'm always on His mind..

2008-04-03T23:31:00.002-05:00

Lord, I will seek You
On my bed, think upon You
In the day, I'll dream of You
You're always on my mind
With my whole heart I'll love You
With my mind and my strength too
Waste my life searching for You
You're always on my mind
Though I'm poor and needy, the Lord thinks upon me
Though His name is Holy, I'm always on His mind - I'm always on His mind
Though I'm weak and lowly, the Lord dreams about me
Though He's high and lofty, I'm always on His mind - I'm always on His mind
I'm in love with god
God's in love with me

How far will You let me go? How abandoned will You let me be?

2008-04-02T22:42:00.001-05:00

"We don't wait well. Were into microwaving. God, on the other hand, is usually into marinating."

a radiant bride and a forgotten groom

2008-04-01T23:17:00.004-05:00

boy, do things change in just a matter of days with God. its as if, as soon as one thing clicks, the rest of your life is going o.k. and things are better than ever. sure, there are the general hard times (like finding out that two of my great friends are sick at the same time... both constantly sick actually.) but than there are good things too (two amazing worship times back to back).

i just finished reading "every young woman's battle" and there was a dream in there that really stuck out for me. it said:

"A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony. She gracefully moved about the room, the train of her white gown flowing along the floor behind her, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back.

She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments. "You look absolutely lovely." "Your dress is divine." "I've never seen a more beautiful bride." "What a stunning ceremony." The lavish praises rand on and on. The bride couldn't be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd's adoration. She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening. As a matter of fact, she did.

But where was the groom? All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call anyone's attention to her husband. She didn't even notice his absence at her side. Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, Where could he be?

I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be. The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down. As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that his bride had just placed on his finger, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands. That is when I noticed the nail scars. The groom was Jesus.

He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward her groom. She never held His hand. She never introduced the guests to Him. She operated independently of Him."

Reading that struck a chord with me. Jesus is supposed to be the lover of my soul, the groom and the church the bridegroom. But where is that connection? Where is that passion? Where is it, because I want it!

I've recently been praying that God would be the perfect lover for me, filling the places in my heart that no other person in this world can, and he's starting to make changes. (why in the world am i telling you all this?? goodness... to keep me accountable? i hope...) I'm just trying to get my life in the right place. Things are finally falling into place... and its all happening by putting my trust in God. He has never failed me... so why did I ever doubt him?

I've decided to apply to the Bethel School of Supernatural Worship in Redding, CA over the summer. I know that it would be a great experience, but that it would also totally stretch me, which i think would be beneficial on both ends... hopefully that will all turn out o.k. and my hands are open.

honest feed back

2008-03-31T21:52:00.003-05:00

im a little hurt that someone thinks my small group is contrived and not honest...

and i've been told that its hard being a leader and dealing with all the burden of that emotionally, but i didnt think this would affect me the way it is....

i'm a lamborghini

2008-03-30T21:56:00.004-05:00

never had a prayer where its completely prophetic. this was quite an experience. here's what i can remember:

-that God loves to hear my voice, whether it be through speaking or singing. my singing is how im going to pray, how im going to heal people, as well as singing in tongues. its like when i sing, all the angels stop what they're doing so God can listen and enjoy his creation and brag about it.
-i am a lamborghini that has a special bubble (picture) to protect me from the world around me because of how rare and precious i am
-being mama cat doesnt mean that all the things that people talk to me about have to stay on me; that God wants to take those things off of my shoulders and stop me from carrying the weight of those. also, that because i feel like im listening to everyone elses problems i dont feel like i have anyone that i can talk to about my problems, and that God wants to hear how I am feeling unedited. its that i edit myself for my school friends so i dont sound too churchy but edit myself for my church friends because there are certain things i cant say without getting displeasing looks.
-i feel that its hard to worship sometimes because i have these limitations that i put on myself. during a church service, im inhibited because i dont want to be too loud. while leading, im inhibited because i feel like i have to sound good, always on key. but God just wants to hear my voice, because THAT is what is pleasing to him.
-that i am a princess, even though i dont always feel like it. that i dont have to cover myself up and wear different masks in front of people. and that i dont know who the real Cat is. that its hard to differentiate between the different people that each one sees, and that God is going to show me who i really am.
-the fire in me never dies. yes, it varies from a bonfire to a candle flame, but that fire is never extinguished, and its this quality that has God wanting me to lead his people and lead his army; because i will never back down and will always remain strong

i'll think about it more and see what i can remember....

RunIt 2

2008-03-29T23:53:00.004-05:00

This conference was quite the experience for me. It was a mixture of complete joy and peace, as well as dealing with mental battles that i know i create for myself, but thats what i get for thinking as much as i do.

The first day that i went to was good, and not so good at the same time (lets get to the point, Cat). The worship was phenomenal, from the very beginning all the way to the end of that day. i was able to express myself fully, not holding back because of who was standing next to me or how loud i was singing, which was very nice because thats a problem that i have all the time. the speakers were very good, and very funny so it was nice to have something to keep my attention through the 5 hours of talking! the tract that i went on was the holy spirit track, which was actually one of my favorite parts. Brenda, who was the tract leader, talked about how we as a people need a constant refilling of the holy spirit. When you first come to Christ, you bring all your muck and garbage and you tell him "this is what i am, what i have. its not much, and in reality it's very gross and messy, but take it all," and than we feel filled with the Holy Spirit. but its not like thats the only time that there is ever muck in our lives. we constantly have stuff "growing" and attaching itself to us, and that we need to be cleaned again through the Father's grace and mercy and be filled with his Spirit once again. Its this process of constantly getting refilled thats key. That, and spiritual exchanges. Spiritual Exchanges are when you are having a problem, and you tell God that he needs to come into this situation and take it away. Its through this exchange that we are able to find peace during anger, patience during annoyance, and courage where there is fear.

I then went to a workshop talking about sexuality for singles, which was really good because the topic of masturbation and pornography and how real it is for women. Its such taboo to talk about those topics for women, when its just expected for men to have problems with it. and the best part of that is when you confess that you're having problems with that, you are able to have people who are accountable to you, as well as proclaiming that sin out loud so its no longer hidden and just dwelling within you. plus, they are probably dealing with the same stuff you are!

The ministry time for the first day was bad. I was having a hard time getting up the courage to go up to the front for prayer, and thus wasnt getting prayed for. As I'm sitting in my seat, crying quietly to myself, a woman comes up and prays for me. She starts saying that I'm having a hard time receiving, which is true, but she than started praying for things that seemed very "safe" (aka in Cat language: things that could be true for anyone and not praying what God is focusing on) which was really frustrating because at the time, they didnt apply for my situation at all. Once that was over, I got to regather myself before another woman came up to me and asked if she could pray for me. I said "sure" and off we went again. She was a better experience, talking about how God's love for me is fierce and never ending; he's never going to give up on me and is willing to fight with everything he has to have me with him. That was touching.

The second day was wonderful as well. The morning service was wonderful, and the ministry time led to people getting prayed for who were dealing with the problem of having to always look out for themselves, because no one watching their back. I went up and got prayer for that, and ended leaving very peaceful and having God tell me about all the things that he would never do to me. It was a true blessing. Later, I learned more about the Holy Spirit, and was really experiencing his presence all the time. Worship came as the day ended and the talk was good. I was cornered by the women in our group to tell them whats going on with me after all the distance and just general checking up we've been doing for the whole weekend. I told them how I was having a hard time connecting to them because of the mental age gap i had placed on them and myself, and found it hard to ask for prayer from them because of that. This, of course, led to a prayer time with a few words and images:
-magician with the girl he slices, removing the metal strips and the woman being put back together
-elbow
-leader
-inheriting intercession from mom

I guess it was just nice to have that bonding with those girls, because it means that I am one step closer to having a bond with these women and being able to talk to them about my issues, which is comforting.

I dont know. i guess it was good? lots to think about and just reflect on. But i thank God for all those women who were there with me, because of the support and love i felt that last day. thank you.

Song from the weekend that I absolutely love! :
Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah...

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Thanking God after Small Group

2008-03-27T23:38:00.003-05:00

Today's small group was really encouraging for me. It was only three of us, but we dug in to what I had planned (reading sections of 1 Corinthians 16) and ended up talking about that, but also getting to know each other alot better because of the places that God took that passage. The exact passage we looked at was this:

1 Chronicles 16: 8-11, 23-36

8 Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done.

9 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.

10 Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

11 Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always.

23 Sing to the LORD, all the earth;
proclaim his salvation day after day.

24 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

25 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.

26 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.

27 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and joy in his dwelling place.

28 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength,

29 ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name.
Bring an offering and come before him;
worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness.

30 Tremble before him, all the earth!
The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.

31 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let them say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!"

32 Let the sea resound, and all that is in it;
let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them!

33 Then the trees of the forest will sing,
they will sing for joy before the LORD,
for he comes to judge the earth.

34 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

35 Cry out, "Save us, O God our Savior;
gather us and deliver us from the nations,
that we may give thanks to your holy name,
that we may glory in your praise."

36 Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel,
from everlasting to everlasting.
Then all the people said "Amen" and "Praise the LORD

and what we had focused on tonight was thanking God for things that not only happen to us, but for things that God provides for others. We looked at some of the Psalms, and how David, even when a situation is completely horrible, at the end of the day will thank God because of how good God really is. Its hard to thank him when things are hard, because we dwell on the negative, but its the fact that you are able to acknowledge the fact that yes, things are completely going your way, but God is still looking out for you; that is what is really important. Also, thanking God for what has happen for other people brings a greater sense of hope and trusting that God will provide for you like he did for someone else.

Why was this powerful? because for the first time in the last few weeks, I left small group believing that I could actually help these people and lead them, not being completely helpless. This was a major answer to prayer, and I thank God for providing me with that comfort.

Poem "The Road To Life"

2008-03-27T16:35:00.002-05:00

At first, I saw God as my observer,
my judge,
keeping track of the things I did wrong,
so as to know whether I merited heaven
or hell when I die.
He was out there sort of like a president.
I recognized His picture when I saw it,
but I really didn't know Him.

But later on
when I met Christ,
it seemed as though life were rather like a
bike ride,
but it was a tandem bike,
and I noticed that Christ
was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was
that He suggested we change places,
but life has not been the same since.

When I had control,
I knew the way.
It was rather boring,
but predictable...
It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead,
He knew delightful long cuts,
up mountains,
and through rocky places
at breakneck speeds,
it was all I could do to hang on!
Even though it looked like madness,
He said, “Pedal!”

I worried and was anxious
and asked,
“Where are you taking me?”
He laughed and didn't answer,
and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life
and entered into the adventure.
And when I'd say, “I'm scared”,
He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed,
gifts of healing,
acceptance,
and joy.
They gave me gifts to take on my journey,
my Lord's and mine.

And we were off again.
He said, “Give the gifts away;
they're extra baggage, too much weight.”
So I did,
to the people we met,
and I found that in giving I received,
and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him,
at first,
in control of my life.
I thought He'd wreck it,
but He knows bike secrets,
knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,
knows how to jump to clear high rocks,
knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to listen
and pedal
in the strangest places,
and I'm beginning to enjoy the view
and the cool breeze on my face
with my delightful constant companion,
Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,
He just smiles and says... “Pedal.”

--Author Unknown

a huge encouragement

2008-03-26T20:36:00.001-05:00

"You actually share yourself with people. I can look at you, and it's not like "I'm going to sugar-coat myself so I can be appealing". You're Cat, you just are appealing. You laugh because something is funny to you (You cry because... well, I don't know. I've never seen you cry. Sometimes, though, you look like you want to.). Life doesn't feel fake around you, like at any moment our relationship won't mean as much as it should. Granted, there are some things that people will always find too personal to just blurt it out for everyone to hear. You still let people in without them reaching that point. If I ever manage to find someone who puts as much into a platonic or intimate relationship as you do, I'll no doubt end up marrying them."

Psalm 27:4

2008-03-26T16:59:00.000-05:00

Psalm 27:4

One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

I read this scripture today, and it occurred to me that this passage is powerful. I know, kinda late for me to come across that since its in the bible and all, but hear me out. David wrote this to God, asking to be in his presence so that he could "gaze upon the beauty of the Lord." He just wants to sit there and take it all in, acknowledging how wonderful and awesome God is, and just soak up his beauty. And the thing that hit me was that we are created in God's image. People should be drawn to us because they see God's beauty in us, and that they just want to stay in his presence, and thus want to be around us. You know how you can look at someone and they may not be the standard "beauty" that we think of when we say someone is beautiful. Its a beauty that only God can give, and its the sort that will never leave, no matter how well or horribly we age.

And then I was thinking, if the world actually viewed people are God incarnate, not that we are actually God, but that we are representing him and were made in his likeness, than they would respect and cherish people for their true value, instead of just seeing face value.

Huh.. interesting thoughts.